If you’re like most mothers and daughters, then at least some of your relationship is marked by conflict. But here’s the good news: Mother-daughter conflicts don’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, they can lead to positive changes in your relationship.
Here are seven ways to make conflict work for you.
Have a heart-to-heart talk about your conflict.
In this kind of discussion, you communicate openly and honestly about what’s bugging you – without blaming or criticizing. Instead of rolling out a list of all the things your daughter does wrong, express how she makes you feel. For example: “When you come home late, it makes me feel like I don’t mean much to you.”
This kind of communication gives your daughter the chance to hear what’s really bothering you. It also shows her that you trust her enough to talk about sensitive issues, so she might be more likely to listen. And finally, it can help you both get to the root cause of the conflict and resolve it.
Be specific about your expectations.
For example, if you want your teen to spend more time with the family, ask her what she thinks it would take to make that happen – and then try to accommodate her ideas. If her response is “I don’t know,” say something like this: “Well, how hard could it be to spend one evening a week with us?”
By helping her brainstorm ways you can meet each other’s needs, you can give yourself the best shot at getting what you want. And by making the effort to fix the problem, your daughter will feel respected and appreciate your willingness to negotiate.
Don’t expect your teen to do things the way you do.
If your daughter never wants to clean up her room, don’t criticize her for being messy or lazy – that just makes her feel bad about herself and more resistant to change. Instead, ask her if there’s a better way she’d be willing to work with you on the issue. For instance: “Would you like to help me clean it one night this week, or would you rather I pick a day and do it myself?”
When your daughter offers her own solution, try it out. If she doesn’t like the idea of cleaning up with you, let it go for now – but stay open to trying again in the future. Because if you keep putting pressure on her to do things your way, rather than respecting her ideas, she’ll shut down and stop sharing.
Take responsibility for your part in the problem – without fault-finding.
If you and your daughter disagree about how often she should call when she’s going to be late, don’t tell her she’s inconsiderate, because that forces her to defend herself. Instead say something like: “I feel frustrated when you don’t call.”
Then ask your daughter what she thinks would be a better solution – without telling her what you think is best. By naming how the problem makes you feel, and letting your daughter know why you want the expected behavior, you can work together to find a more effective plan. You also avoid making her feel blamed or attacked – which are surefire ways to shut down communication.
Be flexible.
If your daughter usually does what you ask without any fuss, don’t start asking for things that are hard for her – like going to bed early or eating less junk food. She may react with anger because you’re making her do something she doesn’t want to do – which can lead to more conflict.
Instead of asking for the moon, start small and work gradually toward your ultimate goal. For example: “I’m wondering if we could go to bed a little earlier tonight. Would you be willing to try it?” instead of “You’re going to bed at 11:30 tonight.”
Ask for your teen’s opinion before making decisions.
For example, if you want your daughter to make dinner once a week, ask her what nights she’d like to do it. By asking for her input, you show that you respect her opinion – and you might just get the behavior you’re looking for. Besides, offer support, not criticism or insults.
If your daughter refuses to help with chores, don’t call her lazy or selfish. Instead, say something like this: “I know it can be hard to find time to work on the car when you have so much studying to do, but I’d really appreciate it if you could help this weekend.”
Conclusion
Conflict with your teen is inevitable. How you handle it, though, can make or break your relationship. So remember these seven key steps to resolving issues in a way that’s satisfying for everyone involved – and keep the lines of communication open. Seeking online counseling or psychotherapy for yourself or your teen is a way to address concerns with someone who can provide unbiased support. One objective therapist comes in many forms, including online counseling.
Keep in mind, too, that by avoiding criticism when you disagree with your daughter, you’ll be modeling for her how to be accepting of another person’s point of view, which is an important step toward showing empathy. While it may seem like you’re giving up your power by allowing your daughter to make choices that aren’t exactly what you’d prefer, you’re actually teaching her that she doesn’t have to control every situation – and that your relationship